I Didn't Leave Her There
- Carrie
- Jun 7
- 5 min read
A Reflection on Turning 45, Healing Trauma, and Finding My Way Home
In July, I turn 45.
As this birthday approaches, I've found myself reflecting on the little girl I once was.
The five-year-old who had no idea what was coming.
The little girl who still believed adults would protect her. The little girl who trusted easily, loved deeply, and viewed the world through innocent eyes.
If I could sit beside her today, knowing everything I know now, what would I say?
How could I possibly tell her that someone she trusted would begin sexually abusing her? That the abuse would continue for years, leaving wounds she would carry long into adulthood?
How could I explain that her parents' marriage would end and that she would find herself caught in the middle of battles that no child should have to navigate? That by the age of eight she would need her own lawyer just to make the adults around her hear what she was trying to say?
How could I tell her that when she finally found the courage to speak the truth about the abuse, many people would choose not to believe her?
That some family members would turn away rather than face the reality of what had happened. That she would lose people she loved because truth often makes people uncomfortable.
How could I explain that the systems designed to protect children would fail her? That investigations would leave her feeling unheard, unseen, and forgotten?
And how could I prepare her for what would follow?
The crippling anxiety.
The depression so heavy it felt impossible to carry.
The moments when the pain became so overwhelming that leaving this world seemed easier than staying in it.
The battle with bulimia.
The complicated relationship with food.
The years spent trying to numb, avoid, fix, or outrun pain that seemed determined to follow her everywhere she went.
There were years when simply surviving was the greatest accomplishment of all.
But This Isn't a Story About Trauma
As I sit here preparing to turn 45, I realize something important.
This isn't really a story about trauma. It's a story about survival becoming healing.
Many people experience devastating things in their lives. Many people carry wounds caused by circumstances that were never their fault.
What happened to me was not my choice.
The abuse wasn't my choice.
The abandonment wasn't my choice.
The failures of adults and institutions weren't my choice.
But healing? Healing became my choice. And that choice changed everything.
The Moment Everything Began to Shift
Healing didn't arrive all at once. There was no magical moment when everything suddenly felt better.
Instead, it arrived in small decisions.
The decision to look at my pain rather than run from it.
The decision to ask difficult questions.
The decision to challenge the beliefs trauma had taught me about myself.
The decision to learn about nervous system healing, trauma recovery, spirituality, self-worth, boundaries, grief, and self-compassion.
My thirties brought new challenges, but they also brought something else: Transformation.
For the first time, I wasn't just surviving. I was healing.
Slowly.
Imperfectly.
One layer at a time.
I began reclaiming the parts of myself that trauma had stolen.
I discovered safety.
I discovered peace.
I discovered that healing doesn't mean forgetting what happened.
It means no longer allowing it to control your future.
From Wounded to Wise
One of the greatest gifts that emerged from my healing journey was purpose.
The very experiences that once nearly destroyed me became the foundation of the work I now do in the world.
Today, I dedicate my life to helping others heal.
I support people navigating trauma, grief, loss, self-discovery, nervous system regulation, and spiritual growth.
Not because I have all the answers. But because I've walked through darkness myself.
I know what it feels like to believe things will never get better.
I know what it feels like to wonder if healing is even possible.
And I know what it feels like to discover that it is.
The pain became compassion.
The wounds became wisdom.
The voice that was once silenced became a voice that now helps others find their own.
## The Promise I Kept
When I look back now, I realize something profound.
Throughout all the years of healing, growth, learning, and transformation, I wasn't just healing for the woman I had become.
I was healing for the little girl I once was.
The frightened child who felt alone.
The child who deserved protection.
The child who deserved to be believed.
The child who deserved love.
The child who deserved safety.
None of what happened to her was her fault.
Not one moment of it.
But as an adult, I had the opportunity to give her something she never received back then.
I could help her heal. And perhaps that is the greatest gift I have ever given myself.
As I Turn 45
As I prepare to celebrate another birthday, I am not reflecting on what happened to me.
I am reflecting on what I chose to do with it.
The truth is that healing isn't about becoming someone new.
It's about returning to who you were before the world convinced you that you were broken.
And if there is one thing I would want that five-year-old girl to know today, it would be this:
You survive.
You heal.
You find your voice.
You find your purpose.
You find your peace.
And most importantly, I didn't leave you there.
Journal Prompts for Reflection
1. If you could sit beside your younger self today, what would you want them to know?
2. What challenges have shaped the person you have become?
3. In what ways have you already begun healing from experiences that were not your fault?
4. What strengths have emerged from your struggles?
5. What promise would you like to make to your younger self moving forward?
6. What does "finding your way home to yourself" mean for you today?
7. How have you transformed pain into wisdom, compassion, or purpose in your own life?
If This Story Resonated With You
Perhaps as you read this, you saw pieces of your own story reflected back to you.
Maybe you've experienced trauma, loss, abandonment, grief, betrayal, or challenges that have left lasting wounds.
Maybe you've spent years carrying the weight of experiences that were never your fault.
Or perhaps you've already begun your healing journey and have reached a place where you know you're ready for the next step, but you're not quite sure how to take it alone.
Healing doesn't mean your story disappears.
It means your story no longer controls your future.
I know how difficult it can be to take that first step. I also know the courage it takes to keep going when healing feels overwhelming. Sometimes the greatest transformation begins simply by being seen, heard, and supported.
If you're standing on the edge of your own healing journey, or if you're ready to go deeper into the work you've already begun, I would be honoured to walk alongside you.
Whether you're navigating trauma, grief, life transitions, self-worth, nervous system healing, or reconnecting with your authentic self, you don't have to do it alone.
I would love to hear your story.
You can reach me at info@pure-lotus.ca or learn more about my services at www.pure-lotus.ca.
Because healing is possible. And sometimes, all it takes is one conversation to begin.
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