Updated: Aug 29, 2018
I started my business, not founded on a calling to do holistic work, but on my own healing journey through my PTSD. After years of counselling and anti-depressants, caused by years of childhood sexual assault, it wasn't until I decided that PTSD and the trauma that caused it, wasn't going to run my life. I was introduced to Reiki by a friend, and after my first class, it changed my life and how I viewed my PTSD. I felt I know how the tools to help me through the worst parts and help me heal. I have been off my medication successfully since then.
I've come to terms with everything that has happened to me, and in reality I see it as another lifetime. When I think if it all, I know Pure Lotus and the love of what I do everyday would not exist without that trauma and the desire to overcome it.
And as I go forth with this blog, I do warn you, talking about triggers, can produce triggers. So just the same as I avoided reading articles, watching movies, and hearing anything about sexual assault for a very long time because it made me remember, I take no offence to you stopping here.
To continue, as much as I have done Reiki, Mindfulness Meditation, and more, PTSD pokes is head in from time to time. It happens out of no where. For those of you who have PTSD, no matter what the cause, you understand.
For me, it was as simple as entering a room. Last week I was looking at a home for a possible new location for Pure Lotus. A rather positive situation right? I was with my husband and our real estate agent/friend. We had toured one home moments before and were just about to finish up looking at the second home when we entered the pleasantly finished basement where I was eyeing possible treatment space. My husband and Real Estate agent opened a door, which lead into a crawl space and they entered.
That's when it happened. It was like a tsunami wave of fear that flooded over me. Years back, that's where I had been lead, into a similar space, with the smaller door and lowered ceiling. The space filled with everyday storage and life. Yet, all I could see was the family member who took my childhood from me, leading me where one could no longer return to innocence.
I know my eyes were seeing the two men in front of me, of whom I know and trust. But the memories and emotions clouded my vision. Neither of them took note that I didn't step foot through that door; that I was simply frozen in one spot. Neither of them would have known why, that if they had touched me in that one moment, my survival instincts would have taken over and I would have put them to the ground. No matter how innocent they were in the entire moment.
Then I realized where I was, and I didn't want to allow that memory to consume me like it wanted to. I made myself take a deep breath and the sound of my of voice rang in my head. "You are safe, you are not in danger, and you are here and present." It was a calm, reassuring and nurturing voice. Just want the inner child in my needed. It was so loud and clear I could have been saying it out loud. The only reason I know I wasn't is because I know my husband would have looked at me weird. I repeated it over and over again to myself. I dug in my heels, and started to ground myself, trying to feel my body again and let go of the memories or emotions that had flooded over me.
All of this happened in a few seconds. I had gone from minding my own business, to Flight and Fight mode then to being in control of my thoughts again in the time it took my husband and friend to discuss something about the room they were in (my mind obviously hadn't been focusing on them). I used the same techniques I had learned through Reiki and meditation that calmed me. This was a shock to my system as had not happened in years. My own breathing, and my own mind taking control and guiding me through this trigger.
But here's the thing about PTSD and healing. You have to take these moments and use them for moving forward. Your soul is peeling back the layers of hurt and fear, giving you what you can handle to process and move on from. You have the ability to handle it, you have the ability to move on from it, even though it may present itself from time to time, it no longer can control you when you tell it not to. In the moment, it can feel like the hardest fight of your life. You got this far, and you can own that. Use it to bring courage through the waves that crash over you, and it will keep you afloat.