There are days that I feel like a fraud. As an entrepreneur and owner of a wellness business that focuses on mental health, I have days of my own where I do not feel worthy of that title. When I have days that I experience Panic Attacks, Anxiety or Depression resulting from PTSD, I judge myself so harshly for being there to guide others through their journey, when I feel I trip and stumble through my own.
Then I remind myself that I am only human.
I had one these days on Tuesday. Perhaps it was the intense energy of the Harvest Moon bringing forward more healing, but it was a bitch of a day if I do say so myself!
As a survivor of sexual trauma, I have processed through years of emotions, mental health awareness and moving through it all. When I have good days, which I am blessed to say are more than the darker ones, I certainly do not take them for granted. But trauma sheds off in layers, sometimes presenting new aspects of itself through others.
Tuesday information was presented to me by someone I love, yet someone who is unwilling/unable to move through the circumstances of my trauma or the past. This information kicked open the flood gates of all those old emotions in a split second. I had to catch my breath as I felt the wave of energy knocked the wind out of me. With it, brought my old uninvited friends: Anger, Resentment, Self Doubt, Victimization, Fear, and Hurt. I admit, even my Shadow Self peeked through with some dark thoughts.
I was angry more than anything. Angry as to why someone feels the need to relive over and over again MY trauma, which I have worked so diligently to process and move through from. I was angry that my abuser may have once again impacted my life 30 years later.
I found myself resorting to old behaviors. When my husband asked what was wrong, I pretended I was fine. It felt like I found my old mask of "Its okay, Everything is Fine". *smile
I couldn't sleep, and when I did, the dreams that I have not dreamt in many years came back. I woke up angry and exhausted. Inside I was fighting that same battle since I was 10 years old, and my mind and body suffered for it. I had to call out to my clients that day and reschedule them.
Then, after being in that 'moment' longer than I wanted to be, my true self, who I am here and now, took over and my mind was able to say "acknowledge" and "honour" this moment.
I was so wrapped up in the anger of all this coming forward, I forgot to acknowledge as to why it was. Because despite the many times I say to myself, "I am Healed!", the words that I say to my dear clients rang in my ears, "It comes in layers." And at the moment the healer part of myself, took my victim side by the hand.
I asked myself the cliche questions, "What do I have to learn from this? What is coming forward to be healed? Why do I keep accepting that those in my life feel the need to relive my trauma, and in turn I feel the need to help them even though it impacts me over and over again? Do I need others to know my truth and prove my case?"
I can tell you here and now, as I type this, I have yet to answer all those questions. Some of them are simple answers, like no it is not my responsibility to heal others from my trauma. I can love and support them, but I do not have to subject myself to the cycle of when I know my life has moved on. Do I need to prove my truth again? No. So many years I have banged my head against a wall trying to make others believe what happened to me so many years ago. I'm done with it. I own my truth, and if others choose not to believe it, that is theirs. I will move on, throwing my mask aside, while they wear theirs.
I opened up, and had a conversation with my husband, as to what was wrong. I had conversations with others about emotional and mental boundaries. I did what I felt was best for me. It felt good!
Am I a fraud? No. I am you. You are me. We all come from the same seed of pure raw emotions. My lesson these last few days is to embrace that rawness. Reflect on the darkness that still rises from its implants, acknowledge it, yet move through it. THIS is what makes us human. THIS is the reason you appreciate the light. Every layer that peels off like velcro, makes us a little lighter in life. Stronger, Self Accepting and Self Respecting.
Today I am better. Today I may just lay on my healing table, open my arms to sheer vulnerability showing the Universe my scars and saying "Have At It!" Using my tools that I have learned this past decade to release, process and move forward.
I sit here, not a spiritual guru, not someone who claims that she knows better, but by being someone who sees both the darkness and light within myself and hope that it resonates with you.
October is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I have always spoken freely of my mental health. Today is no different, when I come from a place of raw emotion.