The Lingering Web of Triangulation in Family Dynamics

Family is meant to be a source of unconditional love, belonging, and safety. But for many, family is also where some of our deepest wounds originate. These wounds are not only born in childhood—they can echo across our entire lives. Even as adults in our 50s, 60s, or beyond, we may find ourselves suddenly pulled back into old patterns and painful roles the moment we interact with our parents or siblings.

One of the most insidious and long-lasting of these dynamics is triangulation. Triangulation occurs when one family member—often a parent—creates tension and division by positioning siblings or relatives against each other. Instead of nurturing connection and open dialogue, the parent subtly (or overtly) fosters mistrust, comparison, and competition.

Carl Jung once wrote, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Triangulation thrives in the unconscious—it becomes the “fate” of families who cannot see the pattern, locking children into roles they never chose.

What is Triangulation?

Triangulation is a manipulative tactic, often used by parents with narcissistic tendencies, to maintain control. Rather than addressing issues directly, the parent speaks through another sibling, plays favourites, or sows discord.

For example, an elderly mother might confide in one child about how “difficult” another sibling is, creating alliance and resentment. Or a father may lavish praise on one child while dismissing another, ensuring that the siblings view each other as rivals rather than allies.

Psychologist Murray Bowen, who pioneered Family Systems Theory, described triangulation as a way families stabilize anxiety. Instead of facing conflict head-on, the parent shifts the emotional burden between children, ensuring no direct accountability. This creates bonds of loyalty and betrayal that fracture the family unit.

The Roles We’re Cast In

In families where triangulation takes root, each child often finds themselves cast in a role—roles that are not conscious choices, but survival strategies.

• The Narcissistic Parent (Covert/Hidden) - This parent may appear kind, generous, or even fragile to outsiders. But within the family system, their behaviour is marked by manipulation, control, and an inability to acknowledge responsibility. They reward loyalty but punish dissent, creating confusion and instability.

• The Golden Child - This is the “chosen” one, groomed to uphold the parent’s image and values. The golden child often receives praise and privileges—but at the cost of autonomy. They learn that love is conditional, based on compliance, and may later struggle to separate their worth from external approval.

• The Scapegoat - The scapegoat becomes the container for the family’s dysfunction. Blame, criticism, and projection are heaped onto them. They may be called “too sensitive,” “rebellious,” or “difficult.” As Jung might suggest, the scapegoat carries the “shadow” of the family—the unacknowledged truths everyone wants to deny.

• The Silent/Voiceless Child - This child learns that expressing feelings is unsafe, or simply pointless. They may appear neutral, but inside they carry unspoken grief and a deep sense of invisibility. In adulthood, they may struggle with depression, indecision, or difficulty asserting themselves.

  
  

When the Children Are Adults

Many imagine that time naturally heals these wounds, but in reality, the roles often persist long after childhood. I have witnessed (and lived) how siblings in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond continue to reenact these dynamics. A single phone call with a parent can leave someone feeling small, unheard, or unfairly judged.

The golden child may still unconsciously seek the parent’s approval, even when the parent is frail and elderly. The scapegoat may still feel the sting of exclusion at family gatherings. The silent child may still withdraw, unable to voice the truth. These dynamics do not dissolve with age—they become grooves worn into the nervous system.

Dr. Gabor Maté, a physician who has written extensively on trauma, reminds us: “The child doesn’t experience the world directly, but through the parent’s lens of acceptance or rejection.” These lenses shape how we relate to ourselves decades later.

Why It’s So Hard to Break Free

Why does this continue into midlife and beyond? Part of it is the deep conditioning of childhood. From an early age, we are taught to respect our elders, to prioritize family duty, to not “rock the boat.” For the golden child, disloyalty feels like betrayal. For the scapegoat, setting boundaries can trigger crushing guilt. For the silent child, finding their voice feels like breaking an ancient vow of silence.

Psychologically, these patterns are forms of trauma bonds—attachments built on a mix of love, fear, and control. Trauma bonds are not logical; they are visceral. The body reacts with loyalty and fear even when the adult mind knows better.

Steps Towards Healing

While the family system may never change, healing is still possible on the individual level. Here are some ways to begin:

• Nervous System Care - Triangulation often triggers old survival responses. Breathwork, somatic release, and grounding practices calm the body, making it possible to respond rather than react.

• Boundaries - Boundaries are essential. Limiting contact, refusing to play the assigned role, or declining to engage in gossip or comparisons disrupts the cycle. As Brené Brown reminds us: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” * The next article will expand on Boundary setting.

• Grief Work - Healing requires mourning the parent and family we never had. This grief is heavy—but necessary. It allows us to accept reality rather than endlessly hope for change.

• Inner Child Healing - Each role was adopted by a child trying to survive. By reparenting ourselves with compassion, we begin to give that inner child the love and validation they deserved.

• Community & Chosen Family - True healing is rarely done alone. Finding friends, mentors, or support groups who see and value us as we truly are helps us step outside the old roles. Chosen family can offer what blood family could not.

If you find yourself entangled in triangulation—even in midlife—please know you are not alone. These dynamics are deeply painful, and their grip can last decades. But they do not define your destiny. You have the power to step out of the role you were cast in and choose something new.

Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Healing does not erase the past. But it does loosen its hold on the present, creating space for peace, freedom, and self-love.