When a Narcissist No Longer Feels Needed: What Happens When We Set Boundaries
- Carrie
- Sep 11
- 3 min read
For those raised by, or partnered with, a narcissist, one of the most painful lessons is learning what happens when we finally draw boundaries.
For years, we may have existed in a cycle of giving—meeting their needs, soothing their moods, shrinking ourselves to keep the peace. A narcissistic parent or partner often thrives on this dynamic, where they are the centre of attention and control.
But the moment we begin to step back, to claim our right to peace and selfhood, something shifts. To the narcissist, boundaries feel like rejection. No longer being “needed” feels like abandonment. And their reaction can be jarring.
The Narcissist’s Common Reactions
When boundaries are put in place, a narcissistic parent or partner may respond in a number of predictable ways:
Anger and Rage – They may lash out, using guilt, criticism, or aggression to push past your boundary. This is known as “narcissistic injury”—their fragile ego feels threatened.
Manipulation and Guilt-Tripping – Phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you” or “You’re so selfish” may surface. This is a tactic to pull you back into the old role of caretaker.
Silent Treatment or Withdrawal – Some narcissists punish by withdrawing affection, communication, or presence, hoping guilt will bring compliance.
Smear Campaigns and Blame-Shifting – They may attempt to turn others against you or blame a significant other, friend, or influence for “changing” you. Often, they insist you have become a different person, that they “don’t know you anymore,” or that someone else has influenced you to act in ways they dislike. This is because they cannot take accountability for their own actions.
Love-Bombing – Occasionally, they may swing to excessive affection, gifts, or praise, trying to win back control by triggering longing for love.
Why This Happens
A narcissist’s sense of self-worth is fragile, dependent on others to regulate their self-esteem. When you assert yourself, you disrupt the system that maintains their control.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and expert on narcissism, explains: “When you stop feeding a narcissist’s ego, they feel starved. They’ll do almost anything to get their supply back.”
In family systems, this dynamic can be even more entrenched. Children may have been expected to fill roles their parents should never have asked of them. When an adult child detaches, it shakes the foundation of the old system.
Professional Insights
Attachment theory, founded by John Bowlby, shows us that early relationships with caregivers deeply affect our adult patterns of relating. Bowlby observed that inconsistent or conditional caregiving can lead to anxious attachment, where the individual endlessly seeks approval and validation—even from those who cannot provide it.
Similarly, Judith Herman, a pioneering trauma psychologist, writes in Trauma and Recovery: “The victim of abuse often internalizes the abuser’s value system, seeking approval and love that may never come. Healing begins when the victim learns to validate themselves rather than rely on the abuser.”
Carl Jung reminds us: “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” Setting boundaries is a critical part of that process—stepping out of roles that were never ours to play and reclaiming our authentic selves.
The Turning Point for You
Although the narcissist’s backlash can feel frightening or guilt-inducing, boundaries are not cruelty. They are clarity. They are protection. They are self-love. Their reactions reflect their own wounds—not your mistakes.
Therapist and trauma expert Gabor Maté emphasizes: “Boundaries are not walls—they are a vital mechanism for self-preservation and healthy connection.”
Over time, as you stop pouring energy into appeasing someone who cannot be satisfied, you free yourself to direct that energy inward—toward your healing, your peace, and your chosen relationships that reflect genuine love.
Boundaries do not erase the longing for love or approval, but they end the cycle of sacrificing yourself to chase it. That is where true healing begins.
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