Why We Keep Seeking Love From Parents Who Cannot Give It
- Carrie
- Aug 25
- 3 min read
So many of us—well into adulthood—still find ourselves longing for love, approval, or recognition from our parents. Even when those parents have shown us time and again that their love is conditional, filtered through narcissistic traits, or simply inconsistent, something inside of us keeps reaching.
This longing is not weakness. It is not because we “haven’t learned our lesson.” It is because the child within us—the inner child who once depended on our parents for survival—is still crying out for love.
The Inner Child’s Longing
When we were small, our parents were our entire world. Their affection, attention, and care determined our sense of safety. If love was only offered when we were “good,” “quiet,” or when we met their needs—while withdrawn when we expressed our own—we learned to chase approval instead of trusting unconditional acceptance.
Psychologist John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, wrote: “The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals [is] a basic component of human nature.” As children, our survival depends on those bonds, even if they are painful or inconsistent.
Our nervous systems absorbed this as truth: “If I can just be enough, then I will be loved.”
Even decades later, that belief can echo inside of us. Rationally, we may know our parent is unwilling or unable to give what we need. But the inner child still hopes, still waits, still longs.
The Painful Truth
One of the most difficult steps in healing is recognizing that we may never feel unconditional love from a parent who cannot give it.
This realization can feel like heartbreak all over again. There is grief in letting go of the fantasy that one day, after enough effort, enough pleasing, enough self-sacrifice, our parent will suddenly see us, value us, and love us fully.
Dr. Gabor Maté, known for his work on trauma and childhood development, observes: “Children don’t need perfect parents, but they need parents who can truly see them.” When that need is unmet, the child inside us continues to seek it, sometimes for a lifetime.
And yet, this grief is also a doorway to freedom.
Because once we stop pouring endless energy into trying to earn something that may never come, we create space to give ourselves what we’ve been seeking all along.
Shifting From Seeking to Self-Love
When we turn inward and listen to our inner child, we discover what they truly need:
To know they are worthy without conditions.
To feel safe expressing their feelings.
To be held, nurtured, and seen for who they are.
As adults, we now have the power to offer this love directly to ourselves. Through inner child work, somatic healing, therapy, and spiritual practices, we begin re-parenting the parts of us that once felt invisible or unworthy.
Carl Jung, who often spoke about the process of individuation and healing the wounded psyche, said: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” These words remind us that while our parents shaped our early experiences, we are not bound to repeat them forever.
We may also choose to set boundaries with our parents—loving them from a distance, or not at all—because continuing to chase their approval only reopens the wound.
A New Kind of Love
The longing for a parent’s unconditional love may never disappear completely. It is a scar that lives in many of us. But over time, it can transform.
It can soften into compassion—for ourselves, for the child we once were, and sometimes, even for our parents, who may have been carrying their own unhealed wounds.
Most importantly, we come to know a deeper truth: We are already lovable. We are already enough.
Unconditional love may not come from our parents, but it can live inside of us. It can flow through chosen family, through Spirit, through community, and through the healing relationship we cultivate with ourselves.
And that realization—that we do not have to wait for someone else to finally love us in the right way—is the beginning of real freedom.
If you would like to connect with your Inner Child, Our Healing Workshop can provide the stepping stone to re-parenting yourself. Click below to see our upcoming dates.
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