Surviving The Holidays Series: Part 2 - Why "You'll Learn to Like Christmas" Can Hurt More Than Help
- Carrie
- Dec 3, 2025
- 3 min read
Updated: Dec 5, 2025
The holidays are supposed to be magical, right? Twinkling lights, cozy music, the smell of pine and cinnamon… the perfect scene from a greeting card. But for some of us, Christmas can feel anything but joyful.
If you’ve ever admitted that the holidays are hard, you’ve likely heard phrases like:
"Oh, you’ll learn to like Christmas eventually.""Just pretend for everyone else’s sake.""It’s not that bad—try to enjoy it.""You’re overreacting—Christmas is supposed to be fun!"
Even when these words are meant kindly, they can hit harder than a cold winter wind.
They suggest there’s a “correct” way to feel about the season, and that if you struggle, something is wrong with you.
For me, these phrases are triggers in themselves. They bring up a mixture of emotions:
Anxiety: The tightness in your chest, the racing thoughts about family gatherings or obligations, the fear of being judged.
Shame: Feeling like you’re failing at something that everyone else seems to enjoy effortlessly.
Grief: Mourning the holidays you never had, or the sense of family warmth and celebration that was missing.
Anger: At the expectations, the pressure, and the insistence that your discomfort is wrong.
Isolation: Knowing that your feelings are different from everyone else’s and worrying you have to mask them to survive.
These emotions often have roots in our early experiences. Traumatic or stressful events during childhood can shape how we perceive the holidays, even decades later.
For me, Christmas carried multiple layers of stress:
Parental separation and conflict: Holidays became a tug-of-war for attention, gifts, and visitation schedules. There was no calm, only comparison, competition, and tension.
Family trauma: During those years, I experienced abuse within the family, all while having to hide the truth and pretend everything was okay. The very time meant to celebrate safety and togetherness became a minefield of fear and secrecy.
Masking emotions: I learned to perform happiness so others wouldn’t ask questions or notice the pain beneath. Over time, this taught my nervous system to stay on alert whenever holidays approached.
Because of these foundations, it’s not just the parties, the shopping, or the music that triggers us—it’s a deep, visceral reaction tied to years of learned fear, stress, and emotional survival.
When someone tells us to “just enjoy it” or “you’ll learn to like it eventually,” it can feel like gaslighting. It dismisses the complex emotions rooted in our personal history and implies that our pain is inconvenient or unjustified.
Here’s the truth: You don’t have to like Christmas. You don’t have to perform joy. You don’t have to meet anyone else’s expectations.
Coping Tools for the Holidays
When these emotions arise, it can feel overwhelming—but there are ways to anchor yourself and create safety in the moment:
Grounding Breaths: Slow, deep breaths can calm the nervous system. Try inhaling for 4 counts, holding for 2, exhaling for 6. Repeat until your chest feels lighter.
Body Check-In: Notice where the tension shows up—tight shoulders, racing heart, stomach knots. Send gentle attention to these areas and breathe into the tension.
Create Safe Space: Give yourself permission to step away from overwhelming situations. Even a short walk, a quiet room, or a bathroom break can reset your nervous system.
Self-Talk: Remind yourself: “It’s okay to feel this way. My feelings are valid. I don’t have to perform joy for anyone.”
Micro-Rituals: Light a candle, sip a warm drink, or play calming music—small actions that create comfort and control.
Set Boundaries: Say “no” to events, obligations, or interactions that feel triggering. Protecting your energy is not selfish.
Reflective Journaling: Write down your feelings without judgment. Recognizing and naming them reduces their intensity.
Over the coming weeks in this series, we’ll continue exploring:
How early experiences and trauma shape holiday triggers.
Why social pressures amplify stress and discomfort.
More strategies for reclaiming safety, autonomy, and even moments of peace during the season.
Acknowledging these feelings and using tools to manage them is the first step toward navigating the holidays on your own terms. You are not alone. Your experience is valid, and your boundaries matter.
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